Miss Bitters Gets Sugar High!
by Leftomaniac
Summary: Sugar high Miss Bitters, runs through the town, smashing and trashing, and burning things down!


Turn back all ye who enter here, for this fic will show you horrors unimaginable! I mean, Miss Bitters SUGAR HIGH??? Check your sanity at the door, please. Y'know, I never really noticed how much I enjoy writing Miss Bitters, which is probably a sign I need to get a nice warm jacket with long sleves that tie around my back.  
  
This is part three in the Sugar High Trilogy. For those of you who don't want it to end here, remember, the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy was five books long, (Six if you count 'Young Zaphoid Plays it Safe') so anything's possible:c)  
  
No own. And of course she's ooc, she's sugar high!:c)  
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The dank classroom blurrily came into existance around Miss Bitters. She scowled, so many foolish doomed children. So blissfully, stupidly unaware of their inevitable doom. Their various preoccupations- boys, girls, makeup, sports, celebrities, world domitation -kept them from openly learing of their own wretched fates. The fools.  
  
She looked at the front row, since it was the closest to her, what with it being the front row and all. Such doomed little faces. The two most doomed faces in the class, (at that moment in her mind at any rate), were looking quite odd at the moment. Rather than glaring across the room at each other as per usual, one was staring at the ceiling tile and screaming, and the other was laughing at a banana that he had somehow managed to fit in his nose.   
  
Suddenly, almost in unison, they looked at each other, nodded and started laughing hysterically. The green one then marched to the front of the room, and, with a big, scary smile, placed a red, shiny apple, which was emitting an odd screaming noise, on her desk. The non-green one, at the moment, was giggling hysterically, and singing "I know what's IN it, I know what's IN it..." The green one turned to the non-green one "No you don't! You lie, you liiiiiie! Don't make me turn this car around!" But the non-green one's attention had been captured by a bug that was walking across the floor. "Yes, I see, it all makes sense now." he picked up the bug, "You have taught me so much, we are brothers of the mind." He then ate the bug. Meanwhile, the green one pointed to a spot on the wall, "Keep your SICK opinions to yourSELF!" he screamed. He then walked over to the wall-spot and puched and kicked it until he was engulfed in a dust cloud.   
  
This was strange, Miss Bitters thought, well, no, it wasn't really strange, considering the type of thing she was used to. But it was a different, (though equally DOOMED) kind of strange...  
  
---Flashback, several hours ago, in Zim's lab...---  
  
The scene is quite a mess. The machines that aren't broken or filled with something they should never never be filled with, are currently blasting out a bizzare show invovling two furry creatures jumping up and down, while singing a repetitive 'lalalalalalalala' song at an extremely high pitch. It also looks as if someone has TP'd the place. Zim and Dib are arguing about something. Or at least, that's what it LOOKS like...  
  
"Do you now realize that the puppies have supreme power?"  
  
"You blind, blind fool! Can't you see that's what THEY want you to think?"  
  
"Yes! But the time is now ripe, so we'd better make time jelly before it goes rotten!"  
  
"I resemble that remark! Do not provoke the mighty earwax gods!"  
  
"Did you scribble my hearing aid? My thumbtack advisor will eat your pie for this insolence!"  
  
"Have you any idea what the price of lettuce is these days?"  
  
"SHOEHORN!!!"  
  
They seemed to have reached some agreement at that. Giggling like happy elves, they scampered about Zim's lab and brought back various items. They piled them up in front of one of the few surviving machines, in a pile that reached the ceiling, which was very impressive considering the height of that ceiling. In the end, it contained an economy sized bag of pop tarts, a drum of radioactive waste, a roll of candy dots, which, when unfolded, was three times the length of the small intestine, several cases of white powder, which we'll assume, (not to mention hope and pray) contained sugar, all the Candy Bubbles in the world, and one Mel Gibson. Zim pused several buttons on a large control panel, and the entire pile was condensed into a shiny red apple.  
  
(A/N: Okay, I'm sure at this point there are a lot of... *Ahem* /deep/ questions you're asking yourself. Such as, why are Zim and Dib coperating? Why do they want to get Miss Bitters sugar high? Why, why whyyyyy? The answer is simple, they're sugar high, their actions need no explanation! Doom yourself for thinking such thoughts!)  
  
---End of flashback---  
  
Instantly Miss Bitters understood. She almost came close to a smirk, it certainly wasn't the first time her students had tried to poisen her. Did they really think they had come up with anying original? The sad, sad doomed children, they were only repeating the failures of generations past, as all would continue to do, playing out the futile actions again and again until all mankind was engulfed by the sun. It always failed. It would take something a lot stronger than cyanide to stop HER. She decided she would eat the apple, all of it, right in front of them. Just so they could think their wretched little plan had worked. Then, she could watch their faces as the horrible doomed futility of their actions, and indeed, all actions, came crashing down on them.  
  
With a sour grimace, she picked up the apple and took a bite. Then another. Then another. Soon the entire apple, core included was gone. But that wasn't the only thing that was gone...  
  
Miss Bitters was no longer scowling. She was not smiling, but she was not frowning either, and that was more than enough. Tension spread through the classroom, as the kids looked at each other nervously. Then, slowly... very, very slowly, Miss Bitters's stone set lips began to twist upwards, higher and higher, until they formed an upside-down arc. Miss Bitters was smiling...  
  
Fun Fact: God save us, Miss Bitters is sugar high...  
  
Two children screamed and jumped out the window. One child's head imploded. The others simply froze in fear, save Zim and Dib who were now debating the most popular color of yo-yos in China with the door. The door seemed to be winning, based on the number of profanities they were both spewing.  
  
Miss Bitters continued to smile, but this was no gentle and loving smile, (as IF! Wait, did I just say 'as IF'??? Aaaah, must wash mind!) this was a twisted grin that continued well past the bridge of her nose. This grin would make the Cheshire Cat's jaw fall off and beg for mercy. And it was accompanied by that *special* look in the eye, worn by the proud owners of nice warm jackets with long sleves that tie around the back.  
  
"Doom doom doom doomy doomy doom, you are all doomed and you shall grow up and live in a van down by the river!" She cried, "Remember kids, don't do drugs, now go and take your Ritalin! Mommy, why did you kiss the mailman in his special place?"  
  
The children stared at her, their eyes almost Squee-sized, save Zim and Dib who had run outside to do God-knows-what and wreck havoc like the good little sugar junkies they are. Miss Bitters continued.   
  
"YOU!" she said, pointing randomly at Morla, "What's the capital of Tarzan???" Morla blinked, and Miss Bitters made a game show buzzer sound "Eeeeeee! Wrong! It's blue!" She then picked Morla up and threw her at Zootch. They somehow exploded. "Wheeeee heee haaaaa! All the purdy lights and colors!!!" Miss Bitters screeched, "I's gonna do it again!!!" She then began picking up kids and throwing them at other kids. The entire skool began burtsing into inexplicable flame. Minutes later, Miss Bitters stood on the rubble laughing hysterically. Suddenly she gasped. "Oh no, look at the time, I have to run in a random direction!" she said, and did so.  
  
After about an hour of running/floating, she came across a Toys 4 Us store. "I needs a new eyeballs! My butt-thumper, RABBIT FROM HELL! Thumper's trying to keeeeeel me I tells ya!" she ran in. "You doomed, doomed things!" she screamed, running into the Barbie aisle, "Don't you realize pink is fucking OUT this season? Well? Do you???" She screamed at the nearest package, clearly expecting a response. When no response came, she bit off Barbie's head. Deciding this was a worthwhile activity, she proceeded to run up and down the asile, biting Barbies left and right.  
  
"Make her stop Weekend Dad!" a little girl cried. "Don't call me that!" the man next to her said. "Mmnsolenph fereth!!" Miss Bitters yelled, her mouth stuffed with dozens of Barbie heads. Several heads fell onto the girl, who screamed. Miss Bitters laughed hysterically, for three hours, and the sugar high did not wear off. She turned and ran throught the store, crashing into a display of hula hoops. "Ye gods!" she cried, entangled in several hula hoops, "Release me from your lemony grasp, thou mighty soap-sukers!" after thrashing about for a few minutes, she 'escaped', and beat the hoops with some Lego creations.   
  
Several hours of toy-filled madness later, Miss Biters raced out of the Toys 4 Us (which, by the way, was on fire after she decided it would be fun to use a super-soaker on a shiny box marked: 'Warning! High Voltage!') and took a running leap into a parked convertable, hotwired it, and sped off. She swerved to hit pedestrians and kept score. "45! 87! 13! Up on the sidewalk, THWACK THWACK THWACK!" she sang. "My dear sir, I do believe that's a wonderbra on your head." After driving and swerving for about three more seconds, she crashed into a fire hydrant.  
  
(A/N: People who value the use of their minds may not want to read this next scene.)  
  
Water shot into the air like a gyser. Miss Bitters got an interesting idea. she took off her... HAIR PIN! (A/N: Ha ha, scared you!) And her hair fell out of her bun. (A/N: Think Medusa) "I feel so fifty per-CENT off!" she cried, diving into the hydrant. Swimming against the incredible flow of water, which only a ghost/snake/demon person like Miss Bitters could possibly swim against, she swam deep into the city's waterworks...  
  
Meanwhile, little Billy Slunchy felt a might thirsty. He walked over to his kitchen faucet and turned the handle (A/N: *singing* I know what's gonna hap-pen!) But something was wrong with the water. It was black. Now little Billy was no rocket scientist, but he was pretty sure that black was not a good color for water to be. As he backed away, the sink filled, and Miss Bitters floated up. Her hair was thrashing around wildly, and she had the look of crazy doom in her eyes. The effect was somewhat spolied by the pink and green flowered snorkel she had somehow picked up, but she was still a very terrifying figure.  
  
Billy screamed, wet himself, fainted, then wet himself once more. Miss Bitters flew out of the sink, and then out the window. "Man, eye'body knows meat don't sleep!" she cried, "Sporky my child, one day you shall be a great soilder, but until then BUTTER MY FEET! I need my soup of EVIL! Eviiiil, I tellsya!" She began turning cartwheels and singing showtunes at an incredibly high pitch. "I feel shitty! Oh so shitty! I feel shitty, and gritty, and, um... POOPIES!" she ran hysterically further into the city, eventually hitting a garbage dump.  
  
"GASP!" she gasped, "I've... I've struck the motherload of DOOM!" She swam and dived through the piles of fiiiiiiiilth. As she reached a rotting Jack-O-Lantern, she stopped. Her eyes widened "All events in my entire life have been in preperation for this moment." she paused for an awe-filled second. "Don't think I don't see you for what you really are, Bobo the Guina Pig! No, wait, that's goats. Have you any Grey Poop On?" She then picked up the rotting pumpkin and began to furiously kiss it. (A/N: You know, after I said that, it's legal for you to kill me. Please don't though, that'd just RUIN my day)  
  
After garbage-swimming with her new 'boyfriend', Miss Bitters discovered she was not alone in the garbage dump. "Hello Mr. Racoon!" she said. "Lady, I'm the garbageman!" the man replied. Miss Bitters didn't hear him, sadly, for she had finally passed into that deep dark place we know as 'Sugar Crash.'  
  
---Later---  
  
Miss Bitters woke up just outside the garbage dump. She felt very strange. Why was she here, and not in skool, preaching doom? And why did she smell cheese, despite the fact that there was no cheese nearby? Disorented and doomed, she began walking, - I'm sorry, I mean spookily floating - down the street.  
  
As she reached the skool, children ran in terror, as usual. But, unexpectedly, two children, one green and one non-green, were running in circles, and coming, quite accidently, towards her. They collided, and Miss Bitters, being already in the air, was sent flying. She crashed through the window of a Taffy factory, and fell into one of the many open Taffy vats. Workers rushed to the edge, eager to watch her escape/drown. Slowly, she made her way to the edge. The level of taffy in the vat seemed significantly lower as she pulled herself up...  
  
"It's grammaw! Kill it, kill it! I shall have NO more oranges, foo!" she screamed, running off.  
  
----  
  
Ugh, I ate SO much taffy. Yaaaaay, I'm gonna be sick! And so are you I'm sure, which means my mission in life is complete. That's right, all events in my entire life have been in preperation for this moment! Now dance, Squiggles! 


End file.
